My 2016 Story

Fenella Standing
Sep 22, 2016
4 min read

Hi all,

This is what happened to me in 2016.

At the beginning of the year after a nightmare of panic attacks, depersonalization and agoraphobia I was finally diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and depression, all of which I have almost recovered from and feeling really positive about.

I know now I’m going to be a much better, stronger person when after all this. It’s teaching me a lot about the way I think and how to rewire my thought patterns to be healthier and happier in the long run, so I’m excited for how things will be after this!

I’ve had depression before when I was at University, which is why I dropped out. It’s not just about being moody, it’s a lack of serotonin uptake in your brain, making you feel constantly low and hopeless. I recovered from this as soon as I left Reading and became so much happier when I started working in London and met my best friend Lauren –she’s the kindest person I know and has always been there for me.

Two years ago, a couple of weeks after my father unexpectedly went into hospital, I had a lot going on. By that point I hated the company I was working for and had to quit my job because I wasn’t making enough deals to pay rent – leaving me unemployed and broke, and everything felt like I was losing control - then I had my first panic attack. Panic attacks make you feel like you are 100% going to die – there isn’t really another way to explain them. They started happening every few months, and every time I would go into A&E, have every test and scan in the book, and come out with a perfectly clean bill of health. I am probably (physically) one of the healthiest people in Britain!

It took me a year and a half to figure out that they were panic attacks. Last Christmas I had a panic attack that was so bad I went into hospital, when I was finally diagnosed with a panic disorder. If I had figured it out sooner, it would never have become so bad (irony). There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of, but when you reach a high level of panic, your brain convinces you that there is something wrong when there isn’t – this is what my disorder is. The main aim of my recovery is to give up feeling scared and trying to convince the irrational part of your brain that there is no threat that can harm you.

I’d put on loads of weight, lost all my self-confidence and felt totally lost. The doctor signed me off work for two months due to stress – my job (which I love) took care of me so well and provided private counselling.

At first, I was so afraid of having another panic attack that I couldn’t leave the flat for a couple of weeks. I developed full blown agoraphobia for a month, where stepping out of the front door felt like I was dying. Then I managed to walk to the shop – then the park etc. until after about a month, I got up the courage to drive around the block and start pushing myself to go further each time. Going to a restaurant on my birthday was the biggest challenge for me, because I felt so much pressure to enjoy myself, but the constant fear of ‘fear’ makes you irrational! The most important thing is to take that first step out of the front door.

My boyfriend Marcus has been the biggest support in all of this and has stood by me through everything, no matter how much time we’ve spent sitting in doctors, therapists, hours of hospital visits. He is my rock and my best friend and that’s why I have such a faith in our relationship – if he stands by me through this then I know we’re good for each other. It’s no fun being around a scared, miserable person all the time and he’s always found a way to pick me up, make me laugh and encourage me to keep seeing the positives.

Every time I do something new, I feel a huge wave of achievement! But if I push myself too hard too quickly, it can make things worse, so I’m learning to be more patient. I’ve now made great progress with CB Therapy, I’m going to work as normal, and I’m starting to have days when I actually don’t think about anxiety and panic. I’m going on the tube, driving to see friends on the motorway, trying out new restaurants and doing all the things I thought I would never be able to do again. I can feel myself getting better every day and it feels amazing. Now I get excited to overcome a new challenge, rather than frightened of doing it. For seven months I have just ‘tried to get through the day’ and now I’m starting to really enjoy my life again!

Anxiety disorders are very common in women in their twenties. 1 in 6 people have some sort of anxiety disorder, most of which never gets diagnosed. The funny thing is that when I talk to my friends about 90% of them have had panic attacks or disorders, and it is becoming a very common problem with girls my age.

So there we go, that’s my story of 2016 - 9 months in and I’m nearly better and feeling very positive! I have just finished my CBT which has been very successful and I'm hoping that I'm only a couple of months away from being my old self.

But I would say this - I would not go back and change anything. I feel like this experience has turned me into a much better person - Stronger, more understanding, healthier, happier and I now know how to be relaxed. It has also brought me much closer to my family. So there's a silver lining in every cloud. Let's spread the word and remove the stigma behind mental health.